in the low candlelight i was free
by othiara
Summary: Lexa looks conflicted and seems to take longer than normal to find the words. "You have a responsibility to your people." "I have a responsibility to you, too." She rubs her thumb over Lexa's hand. "I care about you." Lexa gives her that small smile. "I care about you, too." or Lexa gets shot and doesn't die.
The awful ringing clang of gunshots sends Clarke into a frenzy of motion. His aim is off, so if she just keeps moving, she has a good chance of escape. She doesn't even register the door opening over the ring of gunshots and her racing heart. The next thing she knows, there's Lexa, shock and confusion playing across her face. Black blood is soaking her clothes and spreading across her stomach.

Clarke's heart is in her throat as she lays Lexa down and applies pressure. "I need something to stop the bleeding. Find me a healer!" she barks at Titus. It's just a stomach wound, she reminds herself. The bullet is low caliber, and it's still in her body, blocking the bleeding. They have to have some of the best healers here in Polis to help the commander. It'll be fine, even if that's hard to remember with Lexa's blood staining her hands and the bed and seemingly everything.

"Clarke," Lexa croaks tiredly. A tiny stream of black blood runs out of her mouth. Clarke feels sick with worry. "It's okay. Don't be scared."

Clarke shakes her head. "Save your strength."

Titus returns with a basket of rags. Clarke begins pressing them down hard on the wound. "A healer is on her way." Clarke can hear the "if she makes it in time" in his voice. She ignores him.

"Hey," she says, trying to get Lexa's attention. She doesn't want her to slip into unconsciousness,. What if this is the last time Clarke sees her? She shoves that thought from her mind violently. No, the world's taken so much from her already. It's not having this. It's never having this. "Hey, you're going to be okay."

Lexa smiles sadly. "You were right, Clarke," she says, then pauses to cough. More blood. The smell is thick in the air. Clarke wouldn't have been able to tell it from red blood. "Life is about more than just surviving."

Clarke wants to say something more, because if this is really it, if Lexa really dies here today, then she needs her to know how much Clarke cares about her. Just at that moment, the doors burst open and in comes a young woman carrying first aid tools.

The healer barely spares them a glance. " Yu gaf bants in. "

Clarke understands enough to know that she needs room to do her work. She shares one last look with Lexa. Her eyes are looking foggy. But she'll be fine. She has to be.

Clarke leaves the room with Titus.

.:.

Clarke eventually has to leave the hallway. She can't stand Titus's presence right now. He did this. Even if he looks just as broken up about it as she does, that doesn't make Clarke want to forgive him. She retreats to her room and looks down at the city. She's drawn this view a few times, but beautiful as it is, it hasn't been her inspiration during her time in Polis.

Clarke doesn't even want to think that this could be the end of them, of Lexa. She was just finally getting to know her, not as the commander but as the girl, the side of Lexa that likes candles and makes jokes and has the most beautiful smile.

She has already long since missed her meeting with Octavia, but she doesn't regret it. Octavia will understand when she hears the news. Clarke can't leave now, when the commander is injured. She also doesn't want to leave Lexa like this.

There is a knock at her door. Clarke's heart leaps into her throat. This is news, one way or the other. "Come in!"

One of Lexa's handmaidens opens the door. " Heda is improving. She says she wants to see you."

Clarke's heart leaps into her throat. She's getting better and well enough to have visitors. Maybe this really will turn out fine after all. Clarke stands and immediately follows the handmaiden to Lexa's room.

A blanket covers her, and she still looks weak. She is only just out of surgery, but her eyes aren't cloudy from anesthetics. Clarke pulls a chair over to Lexa's bedside and takes her hand.

Lexa gazes at her with tired but adoring eyes. "I've made you miss your trip to Arkadia."

Clarke rolls her eyes. "Not your fault. I don't want to leave you here like this."

Lexa looks conflicted and seems to take longer than normal to find the words. "You have a responsibility to your people."

"I have a responsibility to you, too." She rubs her thumb over Lexa's hand. "I care about you."

Lexa gives her that small smile. "I care about you, too." She pauses. "I have arrested Titus as a - " She struggles to find the word. Clarke can see her struggle with pain and exhaustion in her eyes. " Natrona, " she finally supplies in Trigedasleng.

Clarke nods. She offers the word, "Traitor." Lexa nods. "I should let you get some rest."

Lexa makes a tiny noise of protest, almost a whine. Clarke thinks it's adorable. "Stay."

Clarke gives in too quickly. She doesn't want to be alone yet either.

.:.

As soon as Lexa is well enough to stand, she calls a meeting of the ambassadors. "They need to know what's going on," she tells Clarke.

It's only been a day, but Lexa already looks stronger. Clarke worries how well the ambassadors will take this news. "Have you decided about the sentencing?"

Lexa hesitates. This is a hard call for her. "He must be punished. You cannot attack Heda and go unpunished."

Clarke knows the traditional punishment is death. She also knows that Lexa doesn't want to go through with it. She's been trying so hard to get rid of the idea of "blood must have blood," but there is no other punishment. She cannot banish him; the next fleimkepa cannot be called until he is dead, and the ambassadors will never be able to accept not having one .

Clarke doesn't want to forgive Titus for what he did to Lexa, but she never much liked him in the first place. Lexa has known him far longer than she has, and she can see the way that attachment burdens her right now. "It must be done. I cannot allow attacks against me to have minimal punishment, or they will become more common than we can handle."

Clarke nods. "We do what we must."

Lexa meets her eyes and they share a sad smile.

.:.

The meeting of the ambassadors is that evening. Clarke looks around at the other ambassadors. None of them seem pleased to see her. She supposes she can't blame them for that. Their people are the ones hurting for her people's break in peace. They take their places and chatter amongst themselves quietly for a short minute.

Lexa holds up a hand, and they all look up at her. "I have called you here today because a crime has been committed." That gets their attention. "Titus, the flamekeeper and my most trusted advisor, shot me yesterday." Whispers of disbelief spread across the throne room like flames. Lexa holds up a hand to silence them. They quiet immediately. "He is sentenced to death for treason." That sentence creates even more buzz than the previous one, and it sounds much more negative. Clarke can clearly see the angry frowns on the faces of almost all the ambassadors. Something in her gut feels very heavy. "The execution will be tomorrow at sundown. That is all," she dismisses.

The other ambassadors trickle out of the room. The sinking feeling in Clarke's gut stays. "They seem upset," Clarke comments. "You don't think they'll try to do anything about it, do you?"

Lexa frowns slightly and shakes her head. "No."

Clarke isn't sure whether she's telling the truth.

.:.

Clarke is sitting in Lexa's room drawing while Lexa sits there watching her. Clarke usually hates when people watch her draw, but she never wants to do anything to wipe that peaceful little smile off of Lexa's face. It's a good smile to draw, a moment she wants to capture forever. Besides, she knows Lexa is grumpy about not being able to train with the nightbloods today for fear of tearing open her wound. Later, Lexa will go give them their lesson and continue with her duties as Heda, but for now, she's all Lexa, and Clarke gets to draw her beautiful face lit with the morning sun.

Someone knocks on the door. " Min yu op, " Lexa calls out.

A servant enters the door and bows his head. " Heda. " His gaze flickers to Clarke. "The ambassadors have requested I tell you that they wish to have an emergency meeting this morning."

Lexa frowns. "Tell them Clarke and I will meet them in the throne room in half an hour."

The servant bows his head again. " Heda. " He leaves.

"Do you know what that's about?"

Lexa shakes her head wordlessly. She looks worried, but then she meets Clarke's eyes and her face hardens back into an emotionless mask. "I am sure it has nothing to do with your people. I would have been told."

Clarke nods. That's not necessarily what she's worried about right now. She puts her drawing down on the table and stands.

Lexa stands with her and walks a few steps over to better look at the drawing. The look she gives Clarke can really only be described as complete adoration. "It is beautiful, Clarke."

Clarke isn't actually entirely satisfied with this one. She doesn't think she got the eyes quite right. "It doesn't do you justice."

Lexa gives her the most adoring gaze. Clarke can feel all the unsaid words hanging between them that neither of them is quite ready to say.

It seems easier to say these things physically. She leans across the few inches and presses their lips together. Lexa leans into the kiss, and it quickly becomes more enthusiastic. Then Clarke leans a little too hard into the kiss, and she can feel the wince shoot across Lexa's body. Clarke pulls away immediately. "You didn't pull a stitch, did you?"

Lexa shakes her head. Her lips are red, and her pupils are blown. Clarke is nearly led to distraction again. "We should still be careful for now," Clarke says reluctantly.

Lexa nods, looking just as reluctant. "We have time," she says tentatively. Clarke really hopes that's true.

.:.

The ambassadors still look angry. They are clumped together in the middle of the room talking. Clarke is guessing that that isn't a good sign. She stays close to Lexa as they approach.

"What is this about?" Lexa asks.

They don't answer. They just rush at Lexa, attacking her so swiftly and harshly that she doesn't have time to retaliate. She slams down to the ground hard and rolls a few feet from the force of the blow.

Clarke rushes out in front of the ambassadors before they can do any more damage. She leans over Lexa. There is a pool of blood coming from her middle that Clarke guesses is from the stitches being torn in the fall. She checks her pulse quickly. Present and strong, thank god. She forces feelings into her tone. "She's dead," she says, voice cracking in the middle.

The ambassadors look surprised. "She was just shot two days ago!" Clarke snaps. "What the hell were you trying to do?"

The river clan ambassador, Luna, gives her a sad little smile. "Kill her, obviously. It is done."

Clarke can tell that the rest of them believe her more now that they see the growing puddle of blood around her. Clarke feels sick again. It's worse than it looks, she reminds herself.

The desert clan ambassador turns toward the door. " Em ste odon! " he calls out.

Titus walks in through the door. Clarke feels her stomach twist in anger and fear. What's he going to do to her? What if there's some ritual that must be done with the commander's body? Clarke can't let that happen to Lexa.

He pulls a strange little case out of its cloth wrappings. He takes a finger and sticks in the black blood, then runs it down his head. He begins speaking. " Yu gonplei ste odon, Leksa kom Trikru. Gonplei kom Heda kigon feva. "

He leans over Lexa and turns her over. Clarke waits for him to figure out that she is alive, but he says nothing. He brushes her hair out of the way almost gently, then pulls a small surgical tool out of his pack.

Clarke shivers. "What are you doing?" What if he really does kill her now? Can she survive this already? The bleeding looks bad.

Titus makes a tiny incision on Lexa's neck, right through her broken infinity sign tattoo. Clarke winces. Titus's hand is careful and steady, causing minimal damage, but blood still runs down her neck.

Something inside the incision glows. Titus carefully pulls it out. Little strings of something shrink back into the bug. "What is that?"

He looks up at Clarke with something like regret in his eyes. "The spirit of the commander," he answers. Clarke feels sick. What does it mean, if the spirit of the commander leaves Lexa? Is she really dead now? A tear falls down Clarke's face. She doesn't bother to brush it away.

Titus gently picks up Lexa. Clarke thinks she can almost see Lexa's chest rise and fall with her breathing, but it may be a trick of the light. " Teik Sadgeda stot au. Heda stedaun. "

The ambassadors seem satisfied with that. Another few tears slip down Clarke's cheeks as she watches Titus carry Lexa away.

.:.

Clarke wanders aimlessly, unsure of what to do with herself. She doesn't know where Titus is or what he did with Lexa. She doesn't even know if anything is left of Lexa

Clarke shivers. She's been through this far too many times. She and Lexa were supposed to have time. Clarke can't lose her.

She finds herself in Lexa's room rather than her own. She hasn't been spending much time in her room at all recently. It's much more comfortable to be with Lexa. The place feels empty without her. The candles are starting to burn low. She sits down on the couch. Right next to her on the table is her drawing of Lexa from earlier. It still doesn't do her justice. Clarke worries that she won't get another chance to draw that smile just right.

The door clicks open quietly, then shuts again. Clarke looks up tiredly. Titus stands in front of the door. His eyes are bloodshot like he's been crying, and the black blood is gone from his head.

Clarke stands up, then just stares at him, waiting for him to make the first move. "She's alive," he finally says.

Clarke's heart rejoices, and it brings a rare smile to her face. She feels like she can finally breathe again. "Can I see her?"

He nods. Clarke all but runs for the door. He holds out a hand to stop her. "No one can know."

"Who am I going to tell?"

He takes that in, seeming to allow that she has a point. "She must leave. If they find her - " He cuts himself off.

Clarke knows what he means. "We'll leave tonight."

He seems grateful and leads her down a few floors to a dark room. It's lit just enough with candles that Clarke can see Lexa's face. She's awake and looking out at the stars. Clarke is about to go in, but Titus puts a hand on her arm, stopping her.

"Take care of her." Clarke looks into his eyes and sees a man who cares about Lexa's well being. She can respect that. She nods. "There are horses waiting for you. Lexa will know the way."

"Thanks," Clarke says. It may be the nicest thing she's ever said to him. Titus just nods, then leaves.

Clarke opens the door. Lexa's head immediately turns to look at her, then she relaxes. "Are you alright?" she asks.

Clarke almost laughs. "I'm not the one who got hurt."

"They took the spirit of the commander out of me."

Clarke walks closer to her and sits next to her on the table. "They could've killed you."

Lexa nods. "Titus said you stopped them."

"I couldn't let you die." Clarke leans her head on Lexa's shoulder. She still remembers that intense fear so clearly. "That's enough of that almost dying for a lifetime, okay?"

Lexa chuckles. She wraps an arm around Clarke and rubs soothing circles into her back. "I suppose now I could go live a very peaceful life now."

Clarke hums. "You could sell candles for a living in some middle of nowhere village."

Lexa laughs, actually laughs. Clarke could listen to that sound for the rest of her life and never get tired of it. She sighs, then. "We should go before it gets too late."

Clarke nods, then reluctantly stands. "Titus said you know where the horses are?" Lexa nods and stands slowly. She pulls on a hood like the ones they wore in TonDC. "Lexa," Clarke starts, then isn't sure how to finish. Lexa looks at her curiously, so Clarke continues, "What does it mean, the spirit of the commander? What does it change?"

"It gives me the wisdom of all the previous commanders." Clarke can see the insecurity play across Lexa's face. She looks so young with none of the trappings of the commander. "I am afraid I can't help you and your people anymore. I can only hope that the spirit will choose a good and righteous commander." She looks at the ground.

Clarke feels the need to reassure her. She might have said it was all about that before, but she doesn't have time for those lies now. "I don't care if you're the commander, Lexa. That's not why I love you." Damn. She hadn't meant to say that.

Lexa's eyes widen almost comically. "Clarke - "

"Come on, we really should get going."

.:.

They travel all through the night. As day breaks, they decide it's time for a break. They hide in the trees, and Lexa catches them a fish from a nearby stream, then sets to cooking it.

While Lexa works on starting a fire, Clarke starts a conversation. "So have you thought about where you're going to go yet?"

"There are a number of places I would be welcome. Most small villages never get to see Heda, so there is very little chance of me being recognized." She pauses as a spark catches on the little pile of branches, then begins preparing the fish for cooking. "I have been considering staying with Anya's parents. They have always been welcoming to me."

Clarke wonders if Lexa has parents of her own, but now doesn't seem like the time to broach that subject. "I can't come with you."

Lexa looks at her with that sad little smile of hers. "I know. You have not yet finished with your people. You must go back to your home, to Arkadia." She looks down into her little fire and sighs. "Maybe someday you will owe nothing more to your people as I do now." She doesn't look entirely happy with that statement, but Clarke supposes it's a hell of a thing to get used to.

"I just need a little bit of time to end this war. Then we can be together." Clarke hopes it really is that simple. Everything these days seems to complicate itself so much.

Lexa shifts, done with one fish and now moving on to cook the other. "We will have to split up soon, most likely tonight. Anya's parents live not far from here."

Clarke's heart hurts. She's not ready. But she nods, and they don't talk about it anymore.

.:.

That night, about an hour in, Lexa stops her horse and says, "I'm afraid this is where we must part."

Clarke stops her horse, too. She sighs and wills herself not to get too emotional. "May we meet again."

"Clarke," Lexa says. Clarke's eyes meet hers. There is so much depth of feeling there. Clarke is surprised by it yet again. She can't believe she ever thought that Lexa was heartless. "We will meet again." Clarke smiles sadly. "Stay safe. Ai hod yu in. "

Clarke's face breaks into a grin. " Ai hod yu in seintaim, " she replies. Lexa smiles back, just as wide and pure. Clarke basks in the rare beauty of it.

Lexa nudges her horse up to speed and hurries down the diverging path. Clarke stares after her for a moment, then nudges her horse along her own path, still smiling.


End file.
